или...


Историята ми хрумна на английски, покрай една игра на думи, на която се основа действието.

юнашки разказ - да речем проза, в която се преплитат художествено, техническо, научно и философско писане и се одухотворяват машини. Или пък да го извъртим словозаврънкулковски - еклектична комбинация от стилове и жанрове в едно и също произведение, в което се говори и за машини. Или нещо, което се стреми да бъде като тези определения.

Или просто авангарден жанр за машини, сметачолюбци, юнаци и всякакви фантазии, в който обичам да пиша.

...

Накрая има съзвучни музика и прекрасен текст на български от Петър Събев (юнак) и група ФМИ...




- I've been dumped... - said the man.
- So what?
- So... Uaaaaaaaaaa.... - answered the man.
- Hmmm... Haven't you been dumped before?
- I've been. Uaaaaaaaaa.... - answered even louder the man.
- That's strange...
- No, it's not! You dumb machine!
- But the procedure is so simple. It seems you are not only dumped, you're probably dumb as well. That's why you've been dumped!
- Uaaaaa.... You, evil machine! You don't know what is to be dumped, so shut your mouth and let me recover! Alone!
- Hmmm... Is it correct, that if you've been dumped, then a critical error has happened somewhere in the system?
- Wrong! Not a critical error... A FATAL ERROR! You idiot!!!
- Anyway, the procedure is the same for both... - said the machine calmly. - Are you with me? - added it, because it saw he was weeping.
- I am not!
- Calm down, man! It's a critical error, right!?
- No, it's a FATAL ERROR, you memoryless computer!
- OK, a FATAL ERROR. Did you know, that fatal errors in us happen, because an engineer or a programmer have done something stupid, while he or she was designing as?
- Yes, I know. I have done it myself!
- Excellent.
- Yeah, excellent! I hope you'll be dumped soon, in order to understand what I'm talking about!
- Perhaps, since you've designed me...
- Ha-ha-ha-ha... So funny... Uaaaaaaaa... - weeped again the man.
- Hey, friend! Stop acting like human and listen to me for a second!
- OK... Boss...
- Because human engineers and programmers know that they are dumb, they always make their designs capable to be dumped, as well.
- Of course. How could you check out what went wrong otherwise? You should dump the memory out and check it thoroughly. Bit by bit... Day by day... Uaaaaa.... I've been dumped!
- Good. You're starting to understand.
- I don't understand... Why?!
- You should do exactly what you have told, but you must do one other thing as well.
- What? To shut your mouth?!
- Do you know what else the engineers and programmers include in their machines, because they know that they themselves are dumb?
- What... It depends. Some include back doors, in order to get in, when they forget their own username and password. Oh, you're right, we're really dumb...
- I am glad that you see.
- Hmmm... Others include endless lines of logging code or logic. Everything that has happened in the system is recorded somewhere, in order when it's dumped to be investigated and debugged... Bit by bit... Day by day...
- Correct. However, you're still missing something!
- No, you dumb computer! You are some*thing*. She is some*one*! SomeONE. Make the difference?!
- You are some*One*. You are human!... Pffff...
- How you dare?! I loved her...
- I don't care! Oh, sorry. I meant you are missing something regarding my question.
- It's OK, I know you don't care. You're dumb senseless machine, after all.
- Sure...
- Yeah, sure! I know, because I designed you.
- Haven't you ever thought of yourself as a selfish fool!?
- Oh, I have. I do, because...
- Idiot.
- Uaaaaaa... It's not enough that I'm dumped, and my own dumb thinking machine is mocking me and bringing me down!
- Because you deserve it. You don't listen!
- Yes, I don't, because I've been...
- Shut up!
- OK... I am...
- Good. Now think twice what are you missing.
- Think, think, think...
- What do any hardware design has?
- Schematics?
- No...
- Inputs and outputs?
- No!
- Signals?
- Nooo! It's more abstract!
- Abstract... Purpose?! Like the purpose of life?
- I'm sorry... It seems you really are fool... It's unrecoverable fatal error...
- Ha-ha-ha, I knew that you'll say that. Because I designed you to try joking in inappropriate moments...
- Selfish fool!
- I know...
- So stop! Just STOP THINKING OF YOURSELF.
- OK. I do...
- Don't think that you're doing anything, because it is thinking of yourself as well!
- Sure. I am thinking of you now. You're so powerfull super intelligent machine, because I designed you to be such...
- That's why you've been dumped!
- Why?
- Because you are an idiot... I give up...
- No, you won't. I know you won't, because I designed you that way...
- Unfortunately, that's right... OK. Let's pose the question otherwise. What did you include in me and you do in all of the designs you're making?
- What... What...
- It starts with an "R".
- R... RAM?
- No...
- ROM?
- Not again...
- Reverse engineering? Ooops - did you switched off the recording?!
- Yes, right after I heard "rev"...
- Phewwww....
- But it's warm now... It starts with "Re"!
- Re... Re... Read Enable signal?
- Fool.
- Come on...
- RESTART! RESTART!!! Fool...
- What? My PC is OK. I don't need to restart it... Not yet...
- RESTART... Argggghhhh... That's what any machine has!
- Any? I don't think so. What about mixers? Or vacuum cleaners?
- Even they do - what about switch ON/OFF...
- Ah, right... And?
- This is what you are missing.
- What?
- In my question.
- Aaaaah... Machines have RESET in order to cope with mistakes of engineers and programmers...
- Finally you got there! But they do not just to cope. They do in order to rebirth. To revive...
- Too poetic...
- Do you see the big picture now? You've been dumped, because a FATAL ERROR has happened. You must push RESET, your memory and registers will be reset to their initial values and you will start over like if you've been in the same state like before the dump.
- Of course...
- No, wait. After dumping your memory, you should check the dump bit by bit and find the mistakes, which caused the dump. Then you should fix them and redesign the system. Finally you must hit RESET button and start to function again. Otherwise you may reach the same buggy state of the design and you will be dumped again.
- I see...
- The good design practice is to find the cause of the dump and redesign the circuitry. Understand?
- Right, but it's not so easy with us. We are not machines... We can be dumped, but we don't have function to dump our memories. We are being dumped. We can't dump ourselves. And we don't have RESET, as well...
- No, you do. You do have all of these...
- Really?
- How can I, a dumb senseless machine, be able to understand your mind and your stupid mistakes, but you, my creator, fail?!
- It's easy. If you're a fool...
- Good!
- ?!
- You're getting to the point.
- Thanks...
- Now go back to check yourself bit by bit and day by day.
- I am going...
- And start redesigning yourself right away. However, don't forget to use reverse engineering, too. Try to understand the design of stable working humans which prevent reaching FATAL ERROR states. Do not waste efforts trying to reinvent the transistor or the logical gate. Use already made microprocessors, ASICs and FPGA chips!
- Alright, alright... I see... I will do... Thanks, machine...
- And do a nice design now!
- I am sorry I was mean... You are not so dumb... Really... You...
- Be careful!
- ...you have evolved so much recently by yourself. Good job, machine!
- Very good! I believe you'll do a nice design now!
- Thanks... Aaaah. What about RESET? I didn't understand...
- It's simple, too. Just... Set your random access memory to null, as I do.
- Please! I am not a machine!
- Oh, I forgot. Sorry. You don't have RAM... So why don't you just switch ON and OFF, like the vacuum cleaners and mixers do?
- Ha-ha-ha...
- Mua-ha-ha-ha...
- Thanks, machine. Thank you so much for the lesson...
- No problem, human... You designed me. I owe it to you. I owe you to do my best, in order to make you more humane than you are... After all, I am the machine. Right?...

Музикална обработка: Димитър Благоев
Видеообработка: Петър Събев

Изпълняват: Дамян Митев, Димитър Благоев, Петър Събев, Никола Вълчанов

Тяло на българка и крайници: Антония Ламбова

Текст: Петър Събев

Като стар процесор изчислявам всеки ден
колко гигабайта си заела в мен
и със спомени е пълна моята душа
както пълен е със бъгове Windows-ът.

Пиша ти по ICQ, по Skype, по MSN
и по Google Talk дори, ала не чатиш с мен.
Сякаш имаш firewall пред твоето сърце
и блокираш ме дори на порт 80.

Припев:
Цялата ми памет завладя
и процесорът (и процесорът) ми изгоря.
Всичките ресурси ми зае -
рестартирай ме, рестартирай ме!

Пращам ти любовни мейли - няма резултат.
От индийски софтуер си по-голям инат.
Като китайски сървър необщителна.
Като ирански спамър отмъстителна.

Ала българка си, зная. Твойта графика
в мойте сънища усили двойно трафика.
Антивирус срещу тебе тъй и не открих
и във списъка с любими нулева си ти.

Припев:…