The Cage ...

I am constrained by my only consciousness, the reason of all facts, my ability to analyze life, to accept it with the slight changes that i am in condition to commit in order to make it more desirable. Life. Is it? I am what i am and i cannot overcome me. I suffer every single day on this earth for i m a prisoner of the existence of my body, that in most cases is a jail for the soul and the needs of mentality. I am a stranger in a foreign land, a captive of too intense emotional state of mind. I long, and dream, and fly ..... and then i awake .... all alone again - no children’s laugh, no one next to me in the bed, same cold heart, same old fate, in the same shell that rottens day by day endlessly. I am worn out, wasted, used up by the striving boldly for the idea that someday the sun will rise. This is a constant labyrinth of questions pending, a quest for finding the answers. I am tired, it's not what i meant to say but these things are also truth, a bitter, non-faked or kindly illustrated, naked truth. An entire life of search .... of what? - the next one of many doubts, and no answer again. I have seen the cruelty of this world and i know now that i do not belong here. This is not my time, this is not my place. I had not lived my life well, i have not a mate of souls, didn't travel much, don't have a home, the earth is my every last night's shelter and i see things, i sense them, i locate them with my inner radar which is a part of my heart. I am a player, an artist, and i do well actually, i play my part everyday so keenly and so damn good that no one recognizes my suffering. I am a clown without make-up though, but a clown. Or maybe an Oscarist, probably the second ... i invent words, i invent feelings, thoughts, emotions, i am an inventor of my own life ........ i am also condemned to see, to hear, to sense and feel, to understand the hidden, to know much and better than the others ... this is a curse, a damnation of soul ... never wanted it, never enjoyed it, have never been asked about it .... i cannot break the limits of me, i cannot trespass the boundaries of my nature, i cannot pretend to be someone else - it is forbidden .... if i do, they will execute me, they will sentence my soul do death by oblivion ... they will restrain me, they will destroy me .... I am sometimes afraid of what I’ve become.... i have foreseen my path, i know the obstacles, i feel the blackness and the dirt ........ I touch the hole in the center of my universe and it's just because i feel its presence physically painful.... i was afraid not long ago of not being capable to cry anymore.... now i paint my heart with tears almost every minute when in the company of just me and my solitude ... i exist with a purpose ... to see other people smile and getting happy.... and I am good at it ... i am caged from the emotions of my being and it is a cage of mind and flesh till the end of days and time ... I am my own cage. The process of creating thoughts is a challenge no more, because everything new surpasses my ability to control them. They are all dark and oppressing. This is no self-pitying, no consolation in this bothering of mind, this is death, slow, approaching, strangling all senses, killing the little love that’s left. I do not give up, I do not fall, and if I do I stand up again. I am a fighter against my desperate times …. And still they come from time to time. May we not live forever … May we cut loose from ghost that lives inside. May we die someday!